Стихотворение Камилы Махсадовой

26 декабря 2024

a you of the size of a blueberry,

I could barely spend an hour without putting something in my mouth,

a cracker or half a banana,

otherwise a wave of nausea would be stuck in my throat, threatening to come out

the taste of a new life is metallic mixed with French fries and sour candy

like the candy I used to eat when I was little

it dissolves in my mouth making a hissing sound

it tastes like the village summers in my grandma's house

like the ice creams from a local shop and fresh bread and the carrots from the garden

like the ayran made and brought by a neighbour

that taste is gone, the supermarket ayran is nowhere near it

now that I'm abroad, the Turkish ayran is way too salty

the Polish kefir is not thick enough

for my last birthday party, I made orama

I mixed minced meat with finely chopped onions and tiny cubes of potatoes

wrapped it in dough and laid it in a steamer pot

that's what my mom used to cook for a special occasion

birthday smells like orama mingled with honey cake and boiled vegetables

orama smells like home and excitement

an hour had passed, and I took the upper layer and put it on a plate upside down

the holes in the steamer pot left large dots on the cooked dough

a friend said, it looks like a caterpillar

I said, I've never thought about this

what will my child remember when she grows up --

will you remember how I take my ring off before kneading the dough

how I lick my fingers stained with melted chocolate

how I stack the dishes unwashed next to the sink

but most importantly,

what will be the dish that, for you, will taste like our home?

but for now, you only know the taste of my milk

you smell of my milk

and you smile with your toothless mouth

and chew on your hands

and I say,

look at your delicious fingers!

tatti qyz

zhep qoyam seni

you're so sweet I would eat you if I could

and I would carry you again in my belly

rocking you to sleep

feeding you

waiting for your kicking and rolling

eating to fill both of us